I don't have much to say... but I am tired of having my last blog post haunting me, so I am posting something new. (After I posted this, I realized I had a lot to say. Stuff that needed to be said, if for my own revelation.)
I realize I am not a very positive person. I am very detail-oriented - it's a blessing and a curse - but I often see the negative way before I see the positive. Even though Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday (yes, even above Christmas), and I have much to be thankful for, I have a hard time seeing the blessings. I could rattle off a whole bunch of obvious ones (health, home, family, CCS) but to find something positive about something in particular... that is very difficult for me.
I have a hard time seeing the good in people (and in situations). I wasn't always like that. I was Pollyanna... always finding something good in nearly every situation, every person. I have had my heart broken so many times because I saw the good in people who were soooo bad. But I knew inside of them, there was good. I remember being hurt so badly that although I didn't die, I am sure a part of my heart did. The part of my heart that loves freely, that believes, that trusts.
When I accepted Jesus as my Saviour, I thought that my heart would be made whole. Sure, I know that I am not made perfect in an instant... yes, my sins were forgiven and forgotten in the instant that I asked (even before), but my behavior, the awful sin nature that still lurks inside, gets removed ever so slowly over my lifetime as I seek to live according to God's will.
My heart was hurt so badly that I have a hard time loving. Yet, when I do, I DO. I love. I am loyal to those I open my life, my heart to; those that I believe are "safe" people. I long for deep, intimate friendships. Yet I find myself feeling betrayed by those I thought were my friends. I am finding that my "friends" are more like acquaintances, rather than people I can share myself with. It makes me sad. If I show the least bit of instability, a crabby attitude, a misspoken word, there is no one asking if there is something else going on... no one trying to understand... no one offering to pray...
It's this time in my life when I need friendships the most. My life, as some know, is very complicated and difficult. My heart is continually being torn apart by those I try to love. My tanks are dry. Is there no one available to fill them up? I am weary... is there no Aaron to lift my arms in this battle?
I know... the answer is Jesus, right? But I believe that we are created to have relationship with humans too... otherwise God wouldn't have made Eve... God would have been all Adam needed. I am not talking about marriage; I am talking about a friend. God knows we need friends. I need friends.
But I am afraid. Afraid to open my heart to anyone. Afraid that I won't measure up to others' expectations. Afraid that I am not who others think I am and that who I truly am isn't acceptable. Afraid that they don't want to hear about a life that is a daily struggle. (I can't force myself to pretend it is anything other than what it is.) Afraid that they too, are afraid that the messiness of my life may make their own lives messy. (I don't blame them for that...)
Well, got that off my chest. Aaah. That feels better.
At small group the other night, we talked about how we could better relate to others. I was so saddened by my lack of ability to even connect with others that I decided that right now, I am going to focus on Jesus as my friend. He will bring those who are to walk beside me. I need not look for them now. Jesus is to be the focus of my friendship need... And I will rest in Him.
For Jesus, I am thankful.