Friday, November 28, 2008

Ramblings of a Disheartened Friend

I don't have much to say... but I am tired of having my last blog post haunting me, so I am posting something new. (After I posted this, I realized I had a lot to say. Stuff that needed to be said, if for my own revelation.)

I realize I am not a very positive person. I am very detail-oriented - it's a blessing and a curse - but I often see the negative way before I see the positive. Even though Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday (yes, even above Christmas), and I have much to be thankful for, I have a hard time seeing the blessings. I could rattle off a whole bunch of obvious ones (health, home, family, CCS) but to find something positive about something in particular... that is very difficult for me.

I have a hard time seeing the good in people (and in situations). I wasn't always like that. I was Pollyanna... always finding something good in nearly every situation, every person. I have had my heart broken so many times because I saw the good in people who were soooo bad. But I knew inside of them, there was good. I remember being hurt so badly that although I didn't die, I am sure a part of my heart did. The part of my heart that loves freely, that believes, that trusts.

When I accepted Jesus as my Saviour, I thought that my heart would be made whole. Sure, I know that I am not made perfect in an instant... yes, my sins were forgiven and forgotten in the instant that I asked (even before), but my behavior, the awful sin nature that still lurks inside, gets removed ever so slowly over my lifetime as I seek to live according to God's will.

My heart was hurt so badly that I have a hard time loving. Yet, when I do, I DO. I love. I am loyal to those I open my life, my heart to; those that I believe are "safe" people. I long for deep, intimate friendships. Yet I find myself feeling betrayed by those I thought were my friends. I am finding that my "friends" are more like acquaintances, rather than people I can share myself with. It makes me sad. If I show the least bit of instability, a crabby attitude, a misspoken word, there is no one asking if there is something else going on... no one trying to understand... no one offering to pray...

It's this time in my life when I need friendships the most. My life, as some know, is very complicated and difficult. My heart is continually being torn apart by those I try to love. My tanks are dry. Is there no one available to fill them up? I am weary... is there no Aaron to lift my arms in this battle?

I know... the answer is Jesus, right? But I believe that we are created to have relationship with humans too... otherwise God wouldn't have made Eve... God would have been all Adam needed. I am not talking about marriage; I am talking about a friend. God knows we need friends. I need friends.

But I am afraid. Afraid to open my heart to anyone. Afraid that I won't measure up to others' expectations. Afraid that I am not who others think I am and that who I truly am isn't acceptable. Afraid that they don't want to hear about a life that is a daily struggle. (I can't force myself to pretend it is anything other than what it is.) Afraid that they too, are afraid that the messiness of my life may make their own lives messy. (I don't blame them for that...)

Well, got that off my chest. Aaah. That feels better.

At small group the other night, we talked about how we could better relate to others. I was so saddened by my lack of ability to even connect with others that I decided that right now, I am going to focus on Jesus as my friend. He will bring those who are to walk beside me. I need not look for them now. Jesus is to be the focus of my friendship need... And I will rest in Him.

For Jesus, I am thankful.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hello? Anyone here? Should there be?

Just checking to see if anyone actually reads this. Not that I check it every day for comments or anything. I didn't even start this blog with the idea that others would read it. It was to be a diary of whatevers for me to able to think about, mull over, contemplate, and get off my chest.

But then I got hooked on writing for an audience. That was never my intention, but my good friend Pride showed up and said "Hey, you should try impressing people... write something interesting." So I tried. I tried to be clever; wise; funny. I forgot that I was writing for the act of expressing.

So, Pride, I am kicking you to the curb. If no one ever reads my blog or comments or gives me a tag or award, that's okay. Stop trying to make me feel guilty or lesser for it! If others don't find bits and pieces of my life a masterpiece in progress, that's ok, because I already know it is. At that point, it becomes a recognition of God's handiwork, not my own. So here's the Tonya Harding moment... knocking Pride in the knees... time to be humbled!

God, I thank you that what you are making of my life is a masterpiece. It may look disjointed and messy to me, but you are doing something amazing. Thanks for reminding me. I know what a screw-up I may seem to the world, but I do my best and you give me an A for effort. All I need to do is live to please you. Give me the courage to do just that!

Aaah.. that feels better.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The sweetest baby boy ever and his super fun big brother

Oh how I wish he were mine!! The most beautiful baby boy I have ever laid eyes on...

Introducing my new nephew, Colton James Rowan. He is approximately 6 weeks old in the photo. He is the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. Creamy sweet skin you just want to nuzzle.

This is my nephew Tucker Allen; he is Colton's big brother. He's about 3 1/2 in the photo. A ball of energy, this one! And so sweet. He has the cutest expressions. He's like an old man in a little kid body. His voice and the things he says just crack me and his cousin Melanie up... He adores Melanie (and she loves him, and Colton too!)

This is Colton last Saturday. He is now 4 1/2 months old and is such a sweetheart. He laughs and coos and gurgles and raspberries and drools. Boy does he drool! He makes the funniest faces and I just sat holding him and looking at him and adoring him until I realized I needed Melle to hold him so I could take pictures - so that I could look at him long after his momma took him home. Isn't he sweet? I want one I want one I want one... Maybe for Christmas?

Melle's Auntie Sarah is such a sweetheart to bring him and Tucker by for a visit... I love watching her be a mommy now; I remember when she would babysit Melanie for me! And now Melanie is babysitting for her!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Great New Read

I am in the middle of reading "The Shack." It's been talked about quite a bit and I finally broke down and bought it. Phil devoured it in less than 2 days and now it's my turn. It seemed slow going at first, but that was because it challenged some of my perceptions of things/people. Now I can hardly put the book down. It really is that good!

I am looking forward to discussing the book with Phil when I am done reading it. If you have read it, please comment me. I would love to find others to discuss it with. What are you getting out of it? How has it challenged you?

Other than that, life is boring here. Just house cleaning and grape juice/jelly making time and me vacuuming up leaves almost every day. Honestly, I love this time of year... the rain, the dark gray clouds, the Hot Cocoa!!! Oh, and I got to hold the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen... I will post pictures someday. You will want to kiss his precious little cheeks. He's just that sweet!