Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Procrastination (A Work in Progress)

Destination: avoidance
Illumination: Phillip
Irritation: bad habits
Elation: task completed
Justification: lots of time
Organization: piles of files

Tuesday, December 23, 2008



Oh, how I love snow! Pretty white flakes, falling from the sky, each unique, beautiful, delicate. Cold and fragile, melting, gone. Stay with me just a little longer!

Slipping and sliding, swerving and curving, driving in circles in an abandoned parking lot. Screams of laughter from my daughters, giggling and loving my life! Snow, Snow, Snow

Gift of God, you make everything beautiful, white and clean like the day you saved me. I love to sit and stare at trees loaded with white frosting, drinking hot cocoa, cuddling under a warm blanket. Snow satisfies my soul!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I am addicted to Facebook. I really need to limit my time there. Even my kids roll their eyes when I roll my chair up to my desk and start typing.. "Gonna get on Facebook again Mom?" Uh, yeah, I am (and why do I feel guilty about this?)

I love the fact that I can keep in touch with so many people in such an easy way. I am getting to know people from my church that I hardly ever see on Sunday. I am getting to know anew the people I went to high school with over 15 years ago. (That has been really fun. We are finally getting past the competition and now we are on to being adults... with families and jobs and life.)

I do hope though, that I am not forsaking my relationships with others; that is, actual together time with them in favor of Facebook. It does help to meet together with others in the same room, face to face. I met up with my friend Kim whom I really don't see much of anymore and it was just so good to be in her presence. Just her sunny disposition, the sound of her happy voice. It did wonders for my spirit.

I have noticed that I am neglecting a certain important relationship I have. My friendship with Jesus, which should come first, has lately been in last place. The time that I used to spend drinking cocoa and reading my Bible has been replaced with Facebook. And all the cool apps on Facebook... like SuperPets and Typing Test and Speed Racing. Oh, come on, God understands how addictive Speed Racing is, doesn't He? Especially when I am trying to smoke the pastor's kid's car... No, I guess not. In the eternal scheme of things, I don't think it is doing much for my sanctification process. I just hope that God has some good go-carts in heaven. I'll put off Facebook Speed Racing in favor of reading my Bible if He does have go-carts.

Alright, I shouldn't bargain with God. But don't we? Isn't that such a picture of our relationship with God? Maybe only for beginner Christians, but even 7 years after inviting Christ to be my friend, I still try to bargain. I'll pray and be good, if you will bless my finances. I will read my Bible and memorize verses if you will look past the gossiping and judgment I was just involved in. I will serve in our church if... I will put up with annoying people if... If if if... And it goes on.

I long for the days when I have matured to the point where Jesus is the first person I turn to, not my computer, not even my phone. For the days when I love because I am full of God, not myself. When I obey because I love God, and not my own ambitions.

I like to think that even now, God is working this out in me. Already I have seen a change in my relationships in my family. Hopefully soon, God will work out my friend issues (that are about me, not my friends). But I have learned this: Seeking God first is putting everything else in line. No bargains, no ultimatims... just being aware of God through His Holy Spirit and being willing to change my attitude, behavior, and let go of my ambitions has led me to a deeper peace within. It's not a complete peace, yet, but I see that God is working in me. "Being confident in this, that He who began a good work in (me) will carry it on to completion..." Phillippians 1:6

Yes, God, complete the good work that YOU began in me. I am willing. (even if I have to limit my time on Facebook, you are worth it!)

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

It's Not Easy Being Me

About two years ago I was diagnosed with a "disorder." The diagnosis was triggered due to the shift work I was dealing with while working at Potlatch. The crazy sleep schedule was too much for me and a close friend noticed things weren't quite right about my thoughts/behaviour. She suspected Bipolar Disorder. (Formerly known as manic depression... ) I went through a questtionnaire with a psychiatrist (a PHD) and he confirmed the Bipolar Disorder. This was very scary to me. I had heard of BP D before, and it always seemed extreme and very negative. I wondered if that meant I was crazy... loony... wacko...

Actually, it was just that they gave me a name for symptoms I had experienced for quite a long time... probably beginning in my teens. It was (after the initial fright of it) kind of comforting to know that there was a name for what I go through, and a possible treatment.

I was assured that I was not crazy; that I am normal, and that my life will go on (and be better than before) with an understanding of the disorder and how it affects me. Basically, I tend to have high energy moods/days followed by low energy depressive moods/days. (Mania / Depression : this is where they got the name manic depression) I take some medications that help my brain not run a thousand miles a minute (sure, I like racing CARS but not racing thoughts!) However, this medication tends to slow me down a little too much, so I take another medication to pick me back up a bit. The combination really works well for me and I feel more "normal" than ever!

I do notice a difference in my behavior and mood if I don't take my medication, and it really isn't a great thing to miss the meds, so I continue them. Many people out there don't understand the need for medication and think that the medical establishment and pharmaceutical companies are just out to make money by drugging everyone (I believe that a portion of that is true - companies that try to make a profit are not always altruistic in nature)... however, I believe that my quality of life is greatly improved through medication.

Life with mild Bipolar Disorder isn't as bad as I thought, in fact, the worse part of BP is when people describe someone that is moody or has emotional difficulties as probably being Bipolar... and they mean it in a derogatory way - not in a way meant to want to help or understand them. Since not everyone I talk to knows that I am mildly Bipolar, when they label someone in this way it really bothers me.

Instead of judging people and labeling them in such ways, we all should try to understand each other and seek to help (in loving ways). If you suspect that a friend or loved one may struggle with Bipolar Disorder, please help them by first understanding that it is an affliction - not necessarily a choice to behave in such a manner - and secondly, encourage them to see a doctor or trained mental health counselor / psychiatrist. It may even save their life. (Especially if they are BP and it is severe... sometimes their behavior can put them in dangerous situations.)

Most of all, be kind and loving. Isn't that the essence of the Golden Rule?